The present; they say it's a gift

            I'm a little confused as to my feelings of the present. Many sing, "I wanna be forever young" and for me (and a lover I know) this is not the case. I want to be grown up; I see my future and all I want in it and the trail is so long and treacherous I stumble along the way. It is filled with foliage of failures and rocks of obstinacy and I feel I'm wearing heels along the way, because I long to be the lady.

            The process is overrated. Being young withholds the security of knowing who you are and where you're going. Everything I do is with a purpose; a long term purpose. I don't like doing things that do not add up to who I want to be later on. I don't want to take classes unless they're for my majors. I don't want to make friends that won't be there in the long run. I don't want to date for the hell of it. I do things because 1. they get me where I see myself down the road or 2. I need to get it our of my system early on (because it goes contradictory to my future goals down the road)

          I guess it is because this is the time, "you get to know yourself" and I have known myself I'd say since I was 15. I have changed of course; I used to be pettier, angrier, more resentful, but the core of me and my values has stayed the same. Even during transitions I analyze myself. I like to know what makes me. Every speck of stardust and how life made it dull or shine. I am not an old soul, but my experiences have made it easier to categorize myself. Though my counselor said that is a fault of mine imposed on my experiences and not the other way around. 

         I sometimes wonder what it's like to feel like you can explore every avenue. There is a sense of freedom in that, I think. I feel trapped in my destiny sometimes because it cannot come quick enough. But the trials of my past have molded me, given me a direction, and I sense I need to be more molded before I hit my time. Those that have yet to be molded by experience need to just let go. Let the pain hurt you, and scar you, and live. Let the joys wash over you, and cuddle you, and be thankful. But learn to use your experiences as a way to catapult you to the future. The avenues are out there. 

       The only things keeping me going is the idea that the trail is getting smaller. Each year that passes is one less year of my younger self. Getting closer to who I want to be. I am not afraid that my future will not be how I see it, for I make it what I see. I made it to college, one of my biggest dreams, and here I am. I just wished my other dreams got here sooner. 

    As for my pipe dreams, like a perfect Christmas, a wonderful marriage, 5 kids; I know it'll never happen. That's 11 yr old Sandy wishing she could live in TV. They're romantic dreams that cushion the blow of real life. It'll be squashed by liberals who call it "winter break", pre-nups, and a job that will not let you have time for your husband let alone kids; but I'll survive. A pipe dream to save the pipe dream is in order; it's called an understanding man. As I grow, some things cannot be changed, haha. (Men have scarred me the most, that much is clear)

      How can I be cynical and seek romanticism? How can I be damaged and still allow affection? How can I say I'm strong and be so weak? There's more to be analyzed. There's so much more to learn. 

     

What did this bring?

What will they make?

What can she see?

What will he take?

Who knows it all?

Who's done it before?

Who finished the path?

Who wanted more?

How much can he carry?

How big is her load?

How steep is the climb?

How much longer to go?

Where should they stop?

Where do I sleep?

Where does he stand?

Where do we meet?

When's are continual.

Why's are avoided.

Answers are looked for

and easily voided.

Sleigh Bells Don't Ring in California

Christmas is found  in my name.

In the place where a lonely manger once stood.

Christmas was born in a damp, cold day;

Neither in December or the likes of June.

Christmas had no carols at night.

Humiliation harmonized the air,

For the noble man that forgave his wife

of chosen sin and unwanted heir.

Christmas had no tinsel on evergreen

But it did have gold, incense, and myrrh.

More than that, it had our dream

Love incarnate brought down to Earth.

Christmas had no greater tidings

than to see the star bright shown.

For it told of news in desperate hiding

that Salvation and Truth was born.

Christmas was not all pleasant

King's were seeking wanted blood.

And though we forget this in the present

We must remember who overcomes.

Christmas is not found in Kmart;

Its found where my name once stood.

Its in every time and every heart

Where Jesus' love still blooms.

To An Inconstant One*

Sometime ago I lost myself

n forgot what I was here for

Confused among the bookshelves

That knew of nothing from before

The shelves they towered all along

and pinned me with their cloven pine 

Where once I lived aside the throng

I now do wish to leave aside

Their love it does not grow with age

and timeless tales have lost their worth

For love of Sloth; a scabby sage

has filled my heart and warmed the hearth

Idle days have come and gone

with vows of a more productive day

but time has come to pay at dawn

for all my idle fickle ways

*The Rimex

A Longing for the Gates of Gold

Emerging out of restless fog and cold

pillars of steel and crimson red do stand.

Formidable figure took twenty-two hands

and created the Pearly Gates of Gold.

Its strength and grace impossible to behold.

It draws those from the lively coast land

into shores where icy depth and life disbands

and welcome those who seek rebirth from old.

Oh how you tip the scales of morbid beauty

and hold my heart in a gruesome stalemate.

To feel your dreams of romance and epic history

and contemplate the sorrow that you perpetually abate.

A California complete treasure filled with astounding duty

to those who follow the piper and the heartbeat of the Golden Gate.

For all those precious hours...

Dear Chem,           

FUCK YEAH!!!!

sincerely,

Sandy Ortiz

Friday, Oct 7th

Locked out of my house, I decided to head out towards Aldrich Park and relax sitting in front of the meditation garden, I considered how some people, "not us", actually do take time to sit down, smell the roses, wait for time to pass by idly. No worries to entice and no agendas to fulfill. I try this, reluctantly I try this, forced to really, as the pile of things I wanted to do was left locked somewhere unattainable. And what comes out of the shrubbery and greenery at my feet? Not a colorful butterfly, or a squirrel waiting expectantly for a treat.

A gross-ass LIZARD!!!! 

Not even green, giant miniscule dragon of a creature as I ever saw one! With- get this- its tail clipped right off!! oh it was odious! (oh! oh!) It dragged itself on the rest of its limbs, waddling in what must be a torterous lack of entity, as this creature is manily known for its tail. Well, he's all tale now! ;)
And it squirmed intot the shrubbery again and has now but uncrawled again! HOW CAN PEOPLE MEDITATE THIS WAY???? As people pass to head to class, it does not move, it does not boast. It hangs there and for some reason the pathetic character, unnatural of its species, is what grosses me out! Move! Jump! Scare us into submission! We are on your green-marked path, patting it down with tar and clay. And he sits there, and it waits. For death, or the regrowth of its tail (who knows? I've heard cases...)

I have to go to work, and it seems to be crawling over its 5 inch ditch of soil to the tar above, and I hope, with all the sincerity I can muster, albeit slightly digusted, that a bike doesn't smush it.

SPLATT!!!!

I'll Love You in the Mourning

This is what happens when I get texts at 6 in the morning.

And she doesn't excuse herself when she passes through the crowd
She feels she owns the breeze that settles 5 feet down.
He mocks her bouncy walk and peppered shoes
She snickers to herself; something unknown to laugh to.
He is a hard, dark asteroid, yet she is in the skies.
He is quick after meeting, to bolt and hide.
She is but plain Stardust and quiet light;
Broken glass that shines too bright.
He broke her down and flew into an abyss
She picked herself up and nothing was amiss.
They died that night as the sun did set
And the next mourning there was no regret.

Somethings never end.

Lord Grant Me This Prayer

My Father in heaven,
Remember my father's name.
Your Kingdom shunned,
your will undone,
I beseech thee peace like heaven's.
Give me today my daily strength.
Forgive me my sins,
as I fail to forgive he who sinned against me.
Lead me not into the future,
without deliverance from the past.
For the love,
the hurt and the lost are yours.
Now and for ever.

Amen.

The Lord's Prayer was something I learned from my mother, though in church we prayed individually. The Lord's Prayer was a guiding prayer; one that taught you how to pray so that when you could, you would know how to pray in your own words. I have words; an infinite number of combinations of words that do not begin to express the cataclysmic decisions I have to now, as always, face. This is my prayer. This is my lullaby. Lord grant me this prayer. 

Chasing Rainbows

Leave me be, don't you see I'm ringing roses?
Hold me close, I don't want to fall into the posies.
Give me a minute, the wave will wear off soon.
And the ash will settle, too.

Run! The bridge is falling down!
Let us dance among Fair lady's crown.
Wait for the comedown and see it through.
And hopefully the ash will settle, too.

Oh Susana please don't cry for me.
I've been to oh, so many places, realms and seas.
Don't expect liquid gold or the Cali moon
For the ash will settle soon.
I'll be chasing rainbows soon.

My Hearts on Fire

What is Love?

"It's love if they order one of those desserts that are on fire. They like to order those because it's just like how their hearts are -- on fire." -- Christine, age 9

9 Things People Don't Tell You About Love

We know it's complicated, like 20 people playing twister complicated- and we don't understand it most of the time. We know it's hard work and beautiful and eventually ends up with a baby, which kills slowly the love prior to it. (jk jk I'm fucked up, I know...) But what are things one has to find out for oneself? 

1. No matter how hard you try to escape it; it ties you up...in coils of familiarity and comfort the likes of which you learn to yield to.
2. Love is everlasting, but the pain of losing that love is temporary.
3. Its a ton of work, and you can't just walk away, even when that's the easiest thing-because suddenly it isn't. 
4. There is always a reacher and a settler. 
5. Love is doomed without the stronghold of mutual understanding.
6. Love isnt all gumdrops and unicorns shitting rainbows. But the point is to get past that.
7. Love's barriers are those we impose on ourselves. Cultures and backgrounds are irrelevant.
8. Love is giving someone complete control of your emotions; to give them the power to make you the happiest, the angriest, or the saddest person to have walked on this Earth.
9. Love has no definition, and no two people love the same.

These were all taken from loved one's I have loved, pretended to love, loved and lost, and continue to love still. I find it extraordinary that love is so simple, simple in that it is the instant cure all for almost any ailment, and so complex as to bring as much sorrow and anger as any it has tried to assuage. I didn't want love. Now I'm not so sure I can live without it. So what is it really? And who are we without it?

When one is in love one begins by deceiving one's self. And one ends by deceiving others. That is what the world calls a romance. -- Oscar Wilde

Anger Fills My Heart and Soul (but I have cookies)

I was angry, you will notice because my poor writing has been affected, and looked up anger poems. My what an instant relief! The first poem I found contained such rage, such unadulterated  hatred and passion that I instantly felt relief. It is titled "Anger Fills My Heart and Soul" by Jacob Hill, poor fellow. You can read it here.

Older and wiser people tell us to look on the bright side, but one has to admit, when you're in the thick of it- I mean really in front of the fan- There's no bright side to look toward. Your eyesight is covered in flying shit! What one must do, as I did today, is put yourself in someone else's position, one so horribly off the mark that you instantly repel, "I'm nowhere near that crazy! Geez this one..." I'm telling you it's the best medicine. Better than a laugh! Because then you laugh at the fact that you thought you were that mad in the first place. (Still mad but more lighthearted if you will)Anyway here is a child-style poem of a very grim nature. It's light and dark at the same time and I feel I really must set the tone (I almost always let my work speak for itself) because my writing is so off due to this ridiculous weekend that, sadly, this might not make sense to many. Enjoy? 

Mad is a funny creature.  

He knocks very lightly at your door. 

Curious fellow; a tiny light preacher.

Coming to teach you to abhor. 

Mad walks right in. 

He sits himself down. 

Caresses your yearning

and ends all sound. 

Mad confuses and entangles.

Strokes with velvet and with steel.

He kisses with pure venom.

Finds you an enticing meal.

Mad is a funny little imp.

Which can cause you such great sorrow.

When you see him out your window.

Do your best until tomorrow.

He is a funny little creature.

He will wait outside your door.

What Adam Ate

"Whether a nibble or a juicy pleasure bite, all sin's the spoiled same"

       What did Adam eat? Some argue that he ate an apple, hardly probable since apples do not originate in the land Eden was supposed to have been in. Olives are most common, though cinematically this does not produce as sexual a picture as Eve. A naked goddess herself in that she was the sole woman on Earth and so (one can argue) the archetype of womanly beauty, biting into a crunchy red apple- as red as sin itself. Can you see that with an olive? Maybe men can...I have digressed. The point is not what Adam ate, but the representation of such. 
       He took part in knowledge that was not his. "but of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil you shall not eat, for in the day that you eat of it you shall surely die.” (NKJV 2:17) In the Reina Valera 1960 spanish versions the word knowledge is translated as ciencia or science. Man was destined to roam Eden, wild and free, with a mate "comparable to him" (comparable but not equal? More on that later). But he took part, with his free will, to eat the damned fruit and gave up eternal pleasures for the desire to know more. He chose to become as God, to open his eyes and know good and evil. 
       The question asked of me then is this; why is it bad to know good and evil? If God did not want automatons to worship him daily (who honestly would?) but instead wanted humanity to make our own choices then why would he deny us Science? Why would he deny us to know good and evil? What did we know before that? There is no neutrality. We cannot know good without knowing evil or vice versa. The only neutral haven is found in ignorance, in unknowing. How then, before the fall of man, were we not considered automatons? When God created Eve "they were both naked, the man and his wife, and were not ashamed" (NKJV 2:25) Why should they have felt ashamed unless they were doing something bad? They were veiled in this cloud of ignorance that was only lifted after a cunning serpent's powerful words. "you will be like God" (NKJV 3:25)
       Made in his image, and to his likeness, but fit to ordain animals and live amongst the trees. Intellect, knowledge, science was forbidden to us. But we ate what Adam ate. As a Biology and Philosophy major, I eat what Adam ate all the time. Am I to be like Adam, ashamed to know my nakedness? Ashamed to understand that I now understand? I do not know.

I love God and trust in Him. But the more I realize the power of our intellect, the more I realize we are like Him, whether He planned it or not.

Q: Why Quippen?

This was brought up to me by a little bird. I didn't much answer until now. Too bad he won't read it for a while, if ever.

A: Why not Quippen? I am more than equipped to enable a quip with the quick flick of my pen.

That woke me up from a near sleep at 11:28pm last night. It just came to me, and I hope, answers your question and gives you a little more insight into who I am, little bird.

What Brings You Here?

You weren't invited. You were stashed among the impossible dreams and concocted stories of a childhood you and I both chose to forget. You were left to disintegrate into sands so finite they gave in to their limits and stayed. Put. And yet here you are- you weren't invited. You told me I was "out of it". I moved on. You proclaimed it was "of the essence" that I remember you. You stole my essence, my being. You altered me and molded me and though they say you "heal all wounds" you carved them into me. And now you aren't invited. You can't be "Money" no matter what they say because you were there all the while, yet what I lacked in green I made up in arduous envy. And I hated and I hurt and I begrudged you. I learned to hold grudges because of you, and maybe I'll forgive. "All in due" of you.