The present; they say it's a gift

            I'm a little confused as to my feelings of the present. Many sing, "I wanna be forever young" and for me (and a lover I know) this is not the case. I want to be grown up; I see my future and all I want in it and the trail is so long and treacherous I stumble along the way. It is filled with foliage of failures and rocks of obstinacy and I feel I'm wearing heels along the way, because I long to be the lady.

            The process is overrated. Being young withholds the security of knowing who you are and where you're going. Everything I do is with a purpose; a long term purpose. I don't like doing things that do not add up to who I want to be later on. I don't want to take classes unless they're for my majors. I don't want to make friends that won't be there in the long run. I don't want to date for the hell of it. I do things because 1. they get me where I see myself down the road or 2. I need to get it our of my system early on (because it goes contradictory to my future goals down the road)

          I guess it is because this is the time, "you get to know yourself" and I have known myself I'd say since I was 15. I have changed of course; I used to be pettier, angrier, more resentful, but the core of me and my values has stayed the same. Even during transitions I analyze myself. I like to know what makes me. Every speck of stardust and how life made it dull or shine. I am not an old soul, but my experiences have made it easier to categorize myself. Though my counselor said that is a fault of mine imposed on my experiences and not the other way around. 

         I sometimes wonder what it's like to feel like you can explore every avenue. There is a sense of freedom in that, I think. I feel trapped in my destiny sometimes because it cannot come quick enough. But the trials of my past have molded me, given me a direction, and I sense I need to be more molded before I hit my time. Those that have yet to be molded by experience need to just let go. Let the pain hurt you, and scar you, and live. Let the joys wash over you, and cuddle you, and be thankful. But learn to use your experiences as a way to catapult you to the future. The avenues are out there. 

       The only things keeping me going is the idea that the trail is getting smaller. Each year that passes is one less year of my younger self. Getting closer to who I want to be. I am not afraid that my future will not be how I see it, for I make it what I see. I made it to college, one of my biggest dreams, and here I am. I just wished my other dreams got here sooner. 

    As for my pipe dreams, like a perfect Christmas, a wonderful marriage, 5 kids; I know it'll never happen. That's 11 yr old Sandy wishing she could live in TV. They're romantic dreams that cushion the blow of real life. It'll be squashed by liberals who call it "winter break", pre-nups, and a job that will not let you have time for your husband let alone kids; but I'll survive. A pipe dream to save the pipe dream is in order; it's called an understanding man. As I grow, some things cannot be changed, haha. (Men have scarred me the most, that much is clear)

      How can I be cynical and seek romanticism? How can I be damaged and still allow affection? How can I say I'm strong and be so weak? There's more to be analyzed. There's so much more to learn.